Beer is Thicker than Water
July 3rd, 2008Knackered from a day of meetings in Shanghai I was blissfully slouched on the couch watching the DVD version of an American television series when my mobile phone rang. It was Roger, a British friend who’s been in China for a couple years now. Roger (not his real name) is GM of a small contract manufacturing operation in Suzhou, and an avid student of Chinese language. He is always exercising his newest vocabulary and straightening out his grammar with pretty much any Chinese that will listen.
Roger told me he had returned home from a very odd dinner with a Chinese driver his company uses on occasion. The driver had been impressed with Roger’s attempt at speaking Chinese at every turn, and with Roger’s open, self-effacing sense of humor. The driver had insisted for some weeks that Roger come out to dinner with him. Finally, Roger relented. The driver insisted Roger bring along Roger’s fiancée to the dinner. Roger agreed.
Roger explained to me, “The driver brought along a mate of his, and they both brought along their girlfriends. I thought, hang on a minute, that’s not his wife. I’ve met his wife. He had introduced his wife to me before. And why did he want me to bring my fiancée?”
The evening was all good fun, lots of toasts – gan bei and the rest – and much food was eaten. The driver footed the bill, as host. At the end of the meal the driver offered they should do that again sometime. Roger, being a nice guy and all, said sure. On the way home Roger’s fiancée offered that the driver’s wife was quite nice. Roger, also being an honest guy, said that wasn’t the driver’s wife, it was his girlfriend; he guessed that the driver’s friend – also with a doll-faced moll in tow – was not married to the woman that accompanied him. Roger’s fiancée threatened to cut off Roger’s gonads if he ever did anything like that to her.
“What was up with this guy making sure I invited my fiancee along?” Roger asked me on the phone.
“Best I can figure is that you’re one of the lads, now,” I offered. “You know part of his secret life. I’d expect he’ll invite you out again, probably for KTV (karaoke) or to a bathhouse. Lots of pretty girls, beer and wine guzzled, the whole lot.
“I know you didn’t call me for any advice,” I said, “but try to avoid getting together again with this guy for fun; he’s ok with the mixed up values, but I don’t think you want to drag your relationship with your fiancée into that kind of situation. You’ll be forced to lie to her – even white lies – and that shouldn’t be necessary.”
Roger giggled. “She already knows I’m a terrible liar. In fact, I’d probably just tell her the truth, anyway.”
I laughed, “That would be even worse!” I continued, “Anyway, modern China right now is going through huge changes; value systems are confused. And a lot of Chinese are more comfortable in the gray areas than we Westerners. It’s easy to get lost.”
I finished our conversation with a story one young Chinese lady had told me on a flight from Shanghai to the States. Her recent visit had been her first back to China in a couple years. She told me that when she visited her hometown of Chengdu she had gone out to dinner with three women classmates, all of whom were married. The three couples and the young lady all went to dinner together. She knew the three classmates all had boyfriends on the side, and the women all knew their husbands had girls on the side. The young lady had lived in the States long enough and had been married (unhappily, incidentally) to an American in Nebraska just long enough that she felt wholly uncomfortable the entire evening with the group and with the consensual dissemblance.
Anyway, I concluded, “If you go out several more times with the driver, don’t be surprised one day when he asks you for a favor, probably something compromising. And then you’ll be put in the awkward position of refusing him.”
“Sounds like you been there done that,” Roger said.
“Yeah, well…” I said, and left it at that. Roger wished me well and we rang off. I returned to watching my American TV series, in which there were black hats and white hats and each knew who the other was and there were no KTV parlors with pretty girlfriends to confuse the storyline.
